DRAMATIC EXIT pt.1: the sneak out

There is nothing like a dramatic exit to strike a line through the evening. It’s undignified, childish, and you may be excruciatingly embarrassed afterwards, but for once you’ll have something to write home about. Good cause is important, but so too is to know your own limits. Though the culprit may merely have ‘tipped the balance’, just think of all the others they’ve got pinned to their tosser-cards.

an escape c/o banksy

Recently, I’ve had the privilege of putting three of the more prevalent exit strategies to the test. I shall present them here in a triptych of posts, so as not to overwhelm the reader.

1. the sneak out
It takes a little preparation, but sneaking away efficiently – particularly from a smug date – can be immensely rewarding. Bathroom windows are an option, or simply concealing yourself behind a large member of the public en route to the bar door. Just imagine how cocky self-importance, how impossible-to-please prissiness decomposes into uncertainty and then dumbfounded disbelief, as these subnormal individuals realise that there is really no such thing as ‘unconditional love’, … it more than makes up for the cold journey home.

know your exits

The method was put to satisfying effect on a recent encounter with an appalling New Yorker with a trust fund, an imbecile who, amidst a tiresome blow-by-blow account of all his previous relationships, ‘laughingly’ referred to his own estranged children as “little bastards”. I rest assured that my mark on his life has been made indelible.


COMING SOON! DRAMATIC EXIT part 2: the scatter effect
At 3 LIKES I’ll post it.